Its night...like every night....A fresh wind swells in and lifts the curtains of the room..

The darkness is interrupted only by the light of the screen of my PC, while the sound from the speakers are the music I chose, my mood for tonight...

You look tonight... like every night...and I know you will be with me as always in my dreams... I´ll look into your eyes and it will whisper in my ear, the words I want to hear from your lips. It will make all the distances disappear, together we will cancel the chasm that divides us.. 

Leave us breathless, burning by this passion and ..life.. its our destiny.... its useless to try to resist,... doing so, we would only hurt ourselves.. 

We are destined to get lost... just to find each other..  it was so yesterday.. and maybe it will be so tomorrow..  but then again.. isn't this what the great love stories are made of?

It is not true its something you can only read in books... because I've the proof living on my skin.... and although sometimes he looks like a rather turbulent history, I prefer that for sure, to make me loose my breath and move me for a lifetime...

When you dream, I read it in your eyes, even before you hear it from your own lips... which share my same thoughts... 

It seems to me like a song in the last notes of an ending yet to be written... 

I close my eyes and breathe yet another night... resting on the pillow next to mine, a dream and a desire...and I'm sure the universe will keep us both alive... maybe because this crazy dream becomes more real every night.. or maybe because its just a dream....

Anyway, I'm there, there you are. Exactly as it should be. Exactly as it is. Exactly how it will be. Exactly. Because without you, without your love...I do not fly!!

???

When I'm now looking at you... I have just no idea what I ever saw in you... I remember being in love... How could that be? Was I so blind? So desperate to find someone to share my love with, to hold, to spoil? Doesn't sound like me? Was I just that week and needy so anyone would had been fine?

Doesn't sound like me either? But you keep saying you haven't changed.... So I must...assume... It's the truth... This is the person you been all along.... 

And I just can't wrap my head around it... I look at you... And all I see is darkness... I hear you speak... And all I hear is meanness... I watch you act.... And all I feel is destructiveness...

You are just angry, mean, and so full of hate.

I feel so unsafe with you... Can't relax for a second, no way I can be myself... I just feel the judging all the time, every second... How I'm not good enough...how wrong everything I say and do is... How wrong I AM. 

I look into those eyes... And all I see is black, and hate... Towards me.... What I see in there scares me... Like nothing else scared me before...

I know I've loved this creature... But I can't understand how... Why???

How could I've spent so many hours worrying about you... How could I've spend so much energy caring about you... Taking care of you..... And you think I've done nothing for you... You really have no clue... But I guess that even more so tells me who you really are.

How could I've cried my heart out for this man? How could I ever being ready to give anything to him...doing anything for him?

He's just an animal... Without sense of responsibility, without the ability to truly care and love another.

I've never met more selfishness... Never been more used... Never been thrown away like this... Never meant nothing to a person in this way.

Tonight... Everything died...whatever small, strange particle of love and respect there still was...

You are just not a good person... In any way..

I am truly happy for all the idiots I've met in my life.
They've really showed me what kind of person I never ever want to be!

Once, there was nothing more I wanted than him, holding me in his arms.

Now, I'm not even sure I care if I'll never see him again.

Wow.. How things change..

breathe..

Yes I know, I should be quite. I can not speak. Instead the words flows from.. the sun. 
try  to stop a raging river... to block those thoughts that move as fast as if I had the rapids in my heart

Breathe slowly, calmly....Without a sound, gently I sit next to you
I look at you...you breathe gentle, serenely while I take your hand and listen to your thoughts...
Trust me..keep your eyes closed peacefully....let your words tell me what you think of me...and trust me...
Let me touch your heart... without speaking of this love... just let my words rest with you... trust me..
let your soul breathe into the air, so I can make it my own..
Breathe gentle and leave space... next to you.... 
Slowly, simply ....
Breathe ....
slowly, unconsciously .... ...
that is how you can hear the sound of your heart...until it becomes my breath.. until we breathe together... to be able to feel this love..
 to die in that breath ...that contains ME!

.

A candle

Today I lit a candle for your mother and had a little talk.

I thanked her for giving life to you, so I could meet you. Cause no matter what I can't wish it undone. In my own way I loved you, and I will always love you.. And love, when you really love someone, in anyway it might be... It's worth it... Even if it caused pain it's still rare and beautiful... For a moment or two I believed me loving makes the world a better place.. All love does.

And I asked for her forgiveness... For me not being able to save her son, taking care of him, making him happy, giving him, you, the peace of mind and heart you long for so much.

I just hope she knows I did try my best...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvQMPagkFPA

do you remember the dream(s) we had?
Im living them now... Im full-filling them now... one by one..
I just wishing you were here..
I miss you....

" you came right in tearing out my soul
How could all this loss be your only goal
I'm left standing here desperate in the cold
Since you took your life mine has not been whole"

You are my perfect disaster.
I could be your forever after.

I will always love you... I'm just... It's just....
No....it's not anything anymore... It's done, over...
Everything is gone, everything destroyed.
But I will always love you...

Love until it hurts and when it hurts, love some more. Love until you don’t care about the pain, until you stop expecting anything in return, until all that matters is loving that person the best way you can.

Insikter som slår till en, så att det känns rent fysiskt, i magen, i hjärta...
Att jag själv är det jag anklagat någon annan för att vara. Han ÄR allt det jag sagt, så jag har inte anklagat någon oskyldig. Han beter sig som en elak idiot ibland... Men... Insikten... Kastar jag sten i glashus??
Anser att han tar ut all ilska och frustration på mig, sånt som inte har något med mig att göra, ändå är det jag som får ta smällen... Och jag känner mig ledsen och ynklig, som om att jag inte är värd någonting alls. Att han bara inte KAN bry sig ett dugg om mig, han kan inte ens tycka om mig... Då skulle han inte kunna vara så elak.. Säga så hemska saker... För det sårar ju mig... Han måste nästan hata mig... Så går tankarna i huvudet..
Men jag då?? Jag kan säga en del saker jag med när jag blir ledsen och sårad över hans beteende... Och jag har rättfärdigat det med att det är hans fel, det är på grund av det han säger och gör som får mig att göra så här! Men har jag verkligen större rätt än han?? Varför är det okej med min ilska som jag tar ut på honom? För att det är han som orsakat den?? Jo, absolut är det ju så.. Men det är ju min vinkel på det... Hans ilska är ju kanske av samma anledning. Kanske finner han MIG orättvis. Hur vet man egentligen när det startade? Vad som ger vad? Vem som egentligen är "skyldig"??
Och om man ska tänka steget längre.. Jag tolkar det som om han inte älskar mig, inte bryr sig... Och kanske är det så, jag vet ju inte hur han tänker och känner... MEN mitt beteende.. När jag är ledsen och arg och irriterad på honom... Så är det ju inte för att jag INTE bryr mig... Tvärtom... Det är ju snarare tvärtom.. För att jag vet att han är bättre än så (vilket gör mig besviken när han sjunker till låga nivåer), det är för att jag saknar honom, ledsen över att han är långt bort för jag bryr mig om honom, det är för att jag är frustrerad över hela grejen... Så min ilska är född ur en känsla av maktlöshet, för att det är en situation som jag inte kan påverka med en person jag trots allt älskar mer än de flesta... Och nu kommer den oväntade, nästan skrämmande tanken... Om mitt beteende gentemot honom är av denna anledningen... Kan det vara så.. Kanske kan det vara så... Att han har samma anledning... ???

my thoughts slips away. Glides away, carrying my desires, my wishes .. I'm forced to stop them too ... They are whisper of words of a time that no longer belongs to me, but that keeps me tied to you with braided ropes of breaths

Dream with me tonight!

Jag börjar närma mig, närma mig den form jag hade innan jag tippade över och blev sjuk.
Jag börjar bli smal, det kan t o m jag erkänna. Jag har muskler och mer kommer det att bli.
Och jag måste erkänna att det skrämmer mig, att vara här igen.
Jag tror verkligen inte att det kommer att hända igen, jag har inte alls samma tankemönster, jag känner inte samma rädsla att "bli tjock" om jag äter mer för att uppväga träningsmängden, men...
Vad vet jag? Jag trodde självklart inte att jag skulle hamna där den första gången heller... Jag märkte ju inte ens hur det hände egentligen, det smög sig på mig. Låter kanske galet för den som aldrig varit där, men det är ju inget som händer över en natt. Det är en tanke i taget som förgiftar, som inte är riktigt frisk. Men när det bara är en tanke så är det lätt att förklara bort den... Till slut har man vant sig vid den, den känns normal... Och då kommer nästa tanke fram... Och sådär håller det på. Jag såg det inte, jag förstod inte! Vilket gör mig ödmjuk inför dagens situation. Jag tror ingenstans att jag kommer crasha igen... Men...
Så jag tog ansvar för mig själv och mitt liv, och bad om hjälp. Bad min fantastiska Elin om att vara uppmärksam, och stenhård. Om hon ens anar ett problem så ska hon agera.
Är så glad att jag numera kan be om hjälp, inse att även jag inte klarar allt....

Att vara rädd kan ibland vara det allra bästa sättet att överleva!

"Känns som jag är 6 år och väntar på julafton haha. Hoppas du haft en skön dag. Godnatt :)"

Och detta är en annan mans känsla inför att vi ska ses imorgon. Kanske man inte är så illa trots allt ;)

It's hilarious!
How someone can make me go from being so happy (not because of him) to make me mad (because of him) in just a few minutes! Such a idiot! (Maybe me more than him!)
I was in a good mood, had a great idea to help HIM not me, and he just once more showed how unimportant I am.. Well fuck you! :)
I'm still happy... Just not interested in helping out anymore!
Now I'm gonna soak in some real good love instead!

I know only this

<3

3:36pm
Ingela Maria
U wanna have a visitor in May?

3:40pm
A P
You!?
Hell yeah!!
Are you kidding? Yes!!



Det är en sån reaktion en flicka vill ha! :)

I do need to learn how to stop living in the past (and somewhat in the future) and start focusing on what's happening NOW!
Cause it's unreasonable to feel like this... Instead of being only pleased and happy. I do know now I'm over you completely, I'm not in love with you, I don't want to be with you, I don't want to have a relationship with you... And it's great! I feel free... And I'm even starting to accept the fact we are drifting away from each other, more and more... I know we won't be able to see, to reach each other pretty soon. I think we just fighting the last breath in this, whatever we have, hanging on to something we had.. Not wanting to admit its already over. You don't feel anything for me anymore, and I... I still feel, but less and less..

So why the sadness?
Cause I still can't really get over me never being enough, never worth it. I'm sad of all those times I watch you speak/write to others for hours... In a way you never did with me...(not even in the beginning). Why weren't you interested in what I had to say? What I thought? Why didn't you ever wanted to get to know ME? Cause you think you do, but you don't... Cause we never TALKED. The times we had longer conversation was when you talked and talked about you... As soon as I tried to say something about me, you didn't listen, changed the subject.
Why didn't you want to make ME happy? Why all the others? Why didn't you want to take care of ME? In ANY way? Not only as a couple? Why were everyone else so much more important? I know I should let things like this go. Cause I will never get an answer, and it can't be changed. I just don't understand... I did all I could... Why not me??
And I guess you speak the truth when you say you'll never change, so I can be sure of it would always be like its been... And I'm over that...
But you do contradict yourself...cause you talked about doing it right towards me in the future, taking care of me, not having me in the background etc... But then you WOULD have to change... Did you think about that?

And the sadness lies in me not being in love, not ever again wanting to be with you (the same as you feel for me)... It's irrational, I know.. But a part of me gets sad knowing the door is completely shut now.. And locked forever... We will never ever be together... We (i) will never know if we could have been happy, found home. It's stupid. Cause I don't even want to. But I hate knowing I don't know, I will never know.

Really going to try to focus on the present. Be happy. Giving my attention to the people deserving (and wanting) it. My love is lying somewhere else now. And it always will from now on.

It's just that thorn in my heart... You making me feel worth less than I am.
I'm a GOOD woman, worth the world. No one is allowed to make me feel anything else. Not even you.

But I'll always miss you (and love you) in my own way..

Vad jag önskar, önskar , önskar att jag kan bli kär i honom. Han skulle behandla mig som en prinsessa, så som jag förtjänar. Han skulle dyrka mig, och det är vad jag skulle behöva nu, efter allt som varit de senaste åren.
Men det finns ingen gnista där alls just nu. Varför kan jag inte känna på samma sätt som han?
Men vi får se, jag får ge det en chans. Har jag tur är ödet vänligt mot mig..ä

You know, it really not my fault you never realized my worth, what I deserved and treated me thereafter... It's yours... And now you can watch me giving my attention to people who actually do... As if you cared.... But don't blame me the day you caught yourself missing me, you had all the chances in the world... But you chose to treat me like nothing....
You are the biggest loser here...cause you lost someone who truly loved you and always were there for you.... Me? I lost nothing cause I "lost" a man who never could be bothered...

I'm done. Finally! :)

Not again

And so it's the same way again... I feel it... Going-being in the same fucking place as over and over before.
I'm so bored with it!
I just won't do it again. From now on I really will treat people the way the treat me... I'm going to assume its what they want. I've tried to treat people the way I would like to be treated.., but some just don't want to. And it's up to them, so now it's my turn... I hope you'll like it... You're own way...
It's just not worth it. I'm too fed up, I'm just too tired... I don't have the time for people who don't make me any kind of priority... And no, I'm not surprised. I'm just going to keep being in the background, where they kept me... And without a sound I will slip out through a backdoor. No fight, no fuss, no drama.
It's just time.

Vissa saker låter helt enkelt bättre på engelska, varför vet jag inte. Även om det är det svenska språket jag behärskar allra bäst. Och det är vackert nog i sig.
Vet inte varför det blir som det blir. Men jag skriver såsom orden formar sig i mins tankar, hur det än må vara.
Jag önskar att jag kunde ett tredje (och fjärde) språk till, vilken rikedom det skulle vara. Att kunna uttrycka sig på än fler sätt.
Men jag är glad för det jag har, makten att skapa, att använda ord så att de blir till meningsfulla, betydelsefulla skapelser.
Spelar mindre roll om någon annan än jag läser det sen. Så varför skriver jag här få kan man fråga sig. Vet inte riktigt, det ger mig en bra känsla helt enkelt. Kanske får det mig att känna det mindre som om jag sitter och pratar med mig själv, som en annan tokig kvinna :)
Jag tycker om det, jag kan göra det.. Och det räcker helt enkelt för mig!

It seems like I just can't stop thinking about you today... I do hope and believe it might be my way of working through the last things now... To move on...

What strikes me now is again the irony...
All those girls, your great loves... They had you, all of you, your heart, your soul and most of all- your love! And it wasn't enough for them... They wanted more.. They wanted all these materialistic things.....more and more...
Me? I never wanted to have anything from you in that way... I just wanted your attention and a little of your love. If I had a small portion of you the way they did... I would have been so so happy.
I just wanted to be able to love you... But still... It was always them... I guess humans want what they can't have.. Or?
It would have changed, you might say, if I had your love I would have become like them... Would I? Really? I was the one always taking care of you... Even though I knew I never would have you or your love.. Cause no matter what you might think, I told the truth when I said I NEVER, not for a second though it could be true.. That you proudly would hold my hand in front of people you know and say" she's mine"... I knew this, but nevertheless I took care of you, I took care of you when I wasn't in love with you, I took care of you when I was in love with you... I even had your back at times I thought I could kill you with my bare hands.. Even if you never knew...
I can with absolute certainty say the same thing you use to say... You will never find anyone who love you the way I did.. I know it doesn't matter cause it won't change anything.. But I think I loved you more.. Cause I continued after you hurt me over and over, I continued after you broke my heart, I sat here and watched you finding your true loves, one after the other, and I still stayed.. Wanted to help you... Cause I saw the greatness in you, it didn't matter it wasn't meant for me.. It was enough you had it in you...
I do think I could have made you happy, if you had given me the chance.. I could have been your sanctuary..
Too bad we will never know.

Tired, just so incredible tired.... My mind, my soul, all of my core... I feel.... Nothing.... Just tired...






Maybe I just want someone to grab me and ask me, really ask me how I am... Like it really matters... But I don't blame anyone, people are busy with their own things...
Just.... I don't know....


When I feel this.,. Or not feel....


Oh, whatever...


Tired....

...

your skin ... like a table set for my mouth .. for my fingers. My hand knows where to begin the pleasure .. and the call ... becomes a scream ..!

x

Hur man (borde) veta att någonting vekligen inte är bra och fungerar?
När man har en enkel, harmlös fråga. något man undrar och man vet att denne person skulle kunna svara på den bäst av alla jag känner... men man stoppar sig själv i sista sekund innan man hör av sig.... för man inser att man "vågar" inte... känslan av att störa är för stor, tankarna på att han bara kommer bli irriterad igen gnager... att han bara kommer att vrida och vända en allmän fråga till något annat, till att jag använder det som ursäkt till att höra av mig eller liknande.... (att jag ens skulle behöva hitta på en anledning till att höra av mig till någon jag känner säger väl allt egentligen....)
Jag hatar det! Jag hatar att jag inte kan vara mig själv, inte kan bete mig som jag normalt gör med folk jag känner och tycker om.... jag hatar känslan han ger mig, att jag stör och är ivägen... :(

Antar att det är bättre att jag skriver ner tankarna här än säger dem till honom, så slipper han ju i alla fall bli arg över DET...


*ledset ansikte*

If you only knew

It's a little funny.... How he don't seems to know me at all, he think I do this and that, wanting to know everything he does, checking up on him.... How little he actually know.... If he only had a clue how guilty I actually feel when I took a chance to do what he think I do all the time... I felt so bad, like I'm betraying him, and myself... In one way it's good I did, cause now I know I won't, can't do it again..
But he will never know... Cause he wouldn't believe me anyway.... So who cares... I will let him to think the worst of me, just knowing myself I respect him way to much...

Funny...



(It still fascinates me though... How someone who always think the worst of me, think I would betray him, not trusting me, compares me to others - and I always loose... And still claim he loves me...... He must have so much room in his heart so he can love all the others EVEN more...

Thoughts

I am what I am, for better or worse, but they are what they are. No one can know better than I what I think and why, what mechanisms set in motion my reactions, my desire to shout, to write, to invent and reinvent myself every day. Why do I write? For me, to put a face to my desires, to give a meaning to my life, to draw my way as I want, and every obstacle, I raise the stones I encounter and leave in their place a card saying: here I passed, with difficulty, but I passed ... and if I succeeded I can do it all. See dear friend ... I finally own your words that make you realize that it was not all in vain.
Then I see myself sitting on a step to look at passing people who do not know and sometimes it happens that someone stops, sits down next to me ... he is also silent for five minutes .. and then resume his way. I know that in those few minutes we said what we wanted to say ... and that gesture with his hand while walking away, tells us the certainty that we will meet again. I light another cigarette and rest my shoulders on that wall.. sitting on the step ... I observe in silence

trash

Något jag verkligen avskyr är när någon anklagar mig för något och sen kommer med kommentaren " Det är inte bara jag som tycker så"... och jag självklart undrar; vem mer?  "det spelar ingen roll"..

Nej men tack för att du precis talat om att du och andra (som jag antagligen känner) spenderar tid med att prata skit om mig bakom min rygg...
Gör ju så att jag kan känna mig väldigt trygg och säker... NOT!....

Oskar...

Varför? Varför?? Varför av alla tider och platser var vi tvugna att vara på samma tid och plats ikväll. Varför var ödet, slumpen tvungen att spela mig det sprattet ikväll? 

Pain. PAIN is the word, the only word I see, I feel, I know right now! 

All our years together are flashing in my mind, in a never ending movie.. the most beautiful movie made, but with the saddest ending....   

I just had to turn around and look at you, see your face, look into your eyes... but not long enough to see what emotion they would turn into when seeing me... too scared to not seeing anything... too scared to show anything myself... But needed to know that you saw me... you saw me... what did you think? What did you feel?  

Not daring to say a word, not knowing what to say, not knowing how you would react... just turned away and kept going... but believe my darling, it was with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.. Cant believe we ended up here... like this... I MISS YOU STILL, all the fucking time! 

There is too many years, too many moments, too much love to ever stop..  You were the best friend I ever had... EVER!.. isn't it crazy? I still consider you my best friend, even now when I cant even say hi to you. It was just too true, and genuine to get over... you will be my best friend until the day I die...even if we never see each other again. You are the one person I could be myself completely with...you never judge me... or well, that ain't true is it?... I can still hear your voice in my head " Men FÖR HELVETE Ingela, sån där skit kan du inte lyssna på"... *small smile* you judged me all the time... of my music taste, some of my friends, things I liked....but never on anything that actually mattered... When it came to my heart, my soul, you always had my back... 

No matter what dark, dirty, freakish, disgusting secret I told you, you never looked away, you never looked down on me... you never though any less of me..  I was completely safe. I don't think I will ever find that again.  I just have those conversation in my mind, but still with you.. no one else would ever understand....

You are the love of my life (just without the IN love part)... no one comes even close... you are the one I compare all the others to, and they always looses... you were my first.. the one who made me into a woman... I wonder how many other girls who are as happy with their choice of man... the first man they let come that close... I chose you, and you kept being the most important for all these years.. For once..i got it right! =))

All the fun stuff we done, all the madness we created, all the places, all the moments, the best time in my life... 

you helped me become the good person I am today... and you tried, you tried so hard to help me fight all my daemons... without you they would have conquered... 

All the mistakes you did, so you could protect me from them later... making me see what was right and wrong, what was for me and what I should stay away from... since you left I´ve changed... now I need to do everything myself, test everything, make it my own mistakes... I know it irritates some people, that I don't listen, that I don't trust what they tell me.. I have to do it myself... I just cant believe someone else will ever know... not like you did.. 

All my quirkiness you put up with =) Just smiled at all my childish moves, my crazy ideas, my clumsiness... ready to defend me with your life whenever I was threatened... 

And I guess others get "punished" because of you.. I just cant let them in, I cant love them with all of my heart, cause its still broken over you.... some came closer than others... I wonder if you would have approved? Would you've liked them...oh no you wouldn't =) You would have wanted to rip there heads off at the first tear the caused me...

I will never become what I was, what I could be when I had you to lean on... and its all my own fault..

There is nothing in this world I regret more than what happened when you told me your feelings changed...

I'm so sorry I didn't believe you... I'm so sorry it made me so scared.... after 13 years... I didn't expect it... it was the LAST thing I expected... I was so incredible scared of losing what we had, my best friend, if we went there... and in the end... I lost you anyway...

Of course I realized you were right when you asked me if you usually talk about feelings... and when you now did... did I really think it was just in your imagination... I understood it, but then it was already too late... you were hurt, you didn't think I felt the same and you were already turning away from me... shutting yourself off (I met some fuckuped people with problems to show emotions, and you my love, were the master of them all) and I guess its been like that since...

which left me here... loving you still... every day.... missing you..... 

If I could do it all over again... believe me, I would have done it all differently... you were worth it, worth everything!

So what was the point, the reason I saw you tonight... Of all nights... When I'm already a little sad emotionally... Just to torture me some more? To test my feelings? To remind me how it should be when it's real and pure between people and I shouldn't waste my time on people who are not? Remind me there are people with problem to show emotions, and some of them are the best, regardless? Show me the difference between people who accept and care, and people who don't? Make me move on and let others in? Wake me up? Show me the way? Come on... I do not get it!

I do hope we one day till be close again, you will be back in my life.... if not in this, so in another life,... I can wait... you are worth waiting for!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJ9kOFP5Jpc

My home smells like him :(
I really don't want to miss him, but I do...
Hating not knowing when or even IF Ill ever see him again...
Still hating to be the one who cares the most...
I think it's so unfair... Fate.. Universe.. God... Who or whatever that decides what we humans feel or not feel.... Why cant it be equal? Whatever I feel or think of someone else is the same thing the person feels or think about me?
I miss him so much.... Why can't he miss me the same... Or why can't I miss him less to match what he feels.
He made such a big impact in my heart and in my soul.... In my life.... Why did I never effect him even a small portion of how he effected me through times.
I'm just one of many for him.... He will always be one of the people first in line in my heart, and in my mind.
He doesn't even want to call me his friend... So I don't even know what I should feel to be equal? Nothing I guess?
I would die for the ones I love the most, including him...
If he ever felt the same as me.... I guess we could be the bestest of friends... Sharing our life, dreams, hopes... Taking care of each other in some small way every day, The big ways when needed...
I Just think its cruel.... Why must I feel a world of sadness over him, not being a real part of his life..,, when he... I don't know... I wonder if he ever thinks of me, miss me... Just an ordinary day, when I haven't made him remember me..... Does he ever see me before him and smile?
I smile... And I cry...and then I smile again...

Ibland känns det bara såhär..

I've realized, in the second there is doubt...then it's already over...

words

A lot of thought and feelings need to come out, I fill these white pages with words... cause its all I have left... words... I dont even know if they mean anything to anybody...except for me... I tried to show, I tried to be, but nothing worked.. so the only thing is me and the words... the words getting drained from my fingertips.
There is so much I would want to tell, I get hindered when Im left to use only words... I believe, if you are able to explain whats inside of you, then your soul holds only a small small world.
My universe is so great, and no one will ever know, but me.. I wanted so long to share it, to show... but slowly I close it up, knowing its always just going to be me, only me...
I will use words, continue to do so.... when nothing else works, they are my church, my comfort, my way to not go insane.

It must have been love...

When two equally damage souls collides in the universe, they will either lift each other to heaven or drag each other straight down to hell. Harmony or chaos.
Only just time can tell- but it is ALWAYS worth a try! Cause no matter where things end up, you regret what you didn't do!

We imploded... But I'm glad I gave it my all. One day I hope I will learn to love someone again.
Just live in my memory, you will always be near.

Just a dream

Its just the same story, over and over again.

I've realized, the greatest pain is to be the one who care the most. To love a person who always place you at the bottom of the priority list. Never care a bit about my feelings, my need, my hope and dreams. Have no interest in me or my life, not if he cant benefit from it somehow. 

Seeing all this other people he chooses to be there for, to love and care for... people who done little or nothing for him... so why did I try to give him everything? Why did I continue to love him? Why cant I just stop to care. 

I guess its all about the old cliche, "hope is the last to die", and I've kept hoping he one day would change and want to take care of me. My hope that his word would be true.. he love me, I'm one of the most important and blablabla... just trying to ignore its just words, no substance, never shown....

Realizing I fell in love with a dream, with the person he is with and to other people, not the person he is with ME. And yes, I know how incredible stupid it is, of course should I've just seen the person he was toward me.... which means: Not being there for me for over two years, broken promises and words more often than he kept them, used me, just being with me to get things and so on... THIS is what I've should have seen.... but I just wanted to see the other part, the one he is with others.. when he´s passionate, going all in, attentive, being the man "no one will ever love them more" and "they will never find someone as good as him again", overwhelming them with gifts and romance, wanting to support them, pay for them, being there when they have problems... partners in love as well as friends...

so its not like he is not that person.. he have it all in him... he can be such an amazing, exciting, person... I will just never understand why I didn't deserve it.

I just want him to confess, stop lying and tell me... why didn't I deserve it? What did I do wrong?

And yes, I know its my fault I stayed... I should have left so long ago. Why didn't I? Why can I still not just let it go?

I don't know, maybe cause I did see all the greatness in him, knowing he can be whatever he want, and when I see it in a person I do want to help, maybe because he come across as a lost puppy and its hard not wanting to save it....but I guess mostly because I just wanted so badly his words would be true...

But now I know, have known for a while.... there is absolutely nothing left.

He don't care for me one bit.... and he must admit it to me AND to himself. He most realize this is a road he MUST abandon, for my sake. He doesn't want to give up, if he chose a way, he must stick to it..as he says...and once he maybe loved me for a second, so in his mind he still must do it..at least its a guess from my side...

But he doesn't, there is NO way a person treat someone he love this way, especially when its just me he treats like this, all others, gets the best of him..This last week made me realize he probably don't even like me as a person... he doesn't act like it at least. Felt like, except the first evening, the only reason he would spend time with me was when I helped him with something he needed to do, or had something he wanted to share with me.... 

I just cant keep going on like this.... I know it ends here and now. There is no discussion about it, I most love and respect myself that much (cause he doesn't).

I just don't know how to live the rest of my life without a person I love so much... I'm gonna do it, I just don't know how. To live with a constant pain....well, that is what I have to do from now on.....

Kvällens film

Tittar på 8 mile med Eminem.
Var så länge sen jag såg den. Glömt hur mycket jag faktiskt gillar den :)

Hur länge kan man egentligen sakna en person så mycket. Har gått år nu men ändå känns det lika mycket. Säger väl en del om vem du är, hur du är...
Saknar min bästa vän! Om jag vetat detta skulle jag absolut valt annorlunda. Saker är inte detsamma utan dig.
Du är fortfarande min bästa vän...

Text dated 23 July 2011

Saying good bye made everything fall apart. Thoughts are spinning so fast that I almost aint able to walk forward, in every moment in every thought there is you. Not regretting my decision, knowing this is what must be done, but the longing part have never been stronger. It wants to nail me to the ground, force me to run to wherever you are and beg you to change, to need me and want me in your life.
But I know it will never be, you did leave me so long ago even if you haven't admitted it.
So in the end you win, I'm the one going out of this hurt, bruised and torned. I'm the one that will have you in my heart always and wishing things would have been different. You will go on happy, smiling at the world, untouched and whole.
And I want nothing more than you to be happy so I won't wish that you would feel at least a little sadness, just know that I will.
Just remember that you were greatly loved.

Att släppa tag..

Varför är det så svårt att släppa vissa människor? När man vet att livet skulle vara ljusare utan dem.. Om det nu inte vore för det faktum att man får svårt att andas när man tänker tanken att man kanske aldrig ser dem igen..
Varför kan jag inte bara ta det förnuftiga... Det enda vettiga...beslutet att lämna och att mitt hjärta och mina känslor accepterar det, håller med och utan smärta går vidare i livet. Varför behövde just jag bli en sådan känslomänniska?
Varför kunde inte jag blivit lika kall och hård som vissa andra..?
Jag vill bara sluta bry mig. Jag vill vakna upp en morgon och bara kunna släpps allt..utan att det känns som om någon sliter ut hjärtat på mig...

Det var något jag faktiskt aldrig upplevt förut. Denna känsla av totalt ren kärlek.
Aldrig för en man... Hur ska jag ens kunna förklara.. Säger man kärlek så associerar människor direkt till förhållanden.. Men det var just det... Denna känsla stod över allt sånt... Den var renare.
I den stunden kände jag att jag inte var kär, inte skulle kunna ha ett förhållande..och absolut inte ha sex, för sex är "smutsigt".. Det skulle solkat ner oss...
I det ögonblicket stod vi över allt sådant, allt mänskligt, alla begär. Vi var så mycket mer, så mycket bättre...
Det var bland de mäktigaste, mest magiska känslor jag någonsin haft...

I guess it's how it should be...

En början..

Den här kommer bara handla om en massa känslor och tankar. Ibland sånt jag verkligen känner och tänker, ibland sånt som bara är en kreation av min fantasi och skrivarlusta.
Kommer delvis vara väldigt personligt, och delvis inte ha något med mig att göra.
Så ta det inte på alltför stort allvar!
Och en del kommer att skrivas på engelska, helt enkelt för att jag tycker vissa saker låter bättre på engelska, men jag tänker inte påstå att jag anser min engelska vara felfri.



och ja just det, blir nog rätt sporadiskt.