Just a dream

Its just the same story, over and over again.

I've realized, the greatest pain is to be the one who care the most. To love a person who always place you at the bottom of the priority list. Never care a bit about my feelings, my need, my hope and dreams. Have no interest in me or my life, not if he cant benefit from it somehow. 

Seeing all this other people he chooses to be there for, to love and care for... people who done little or nothing for him... so why did I try to give him everything? Why did I continue to love him? Why cant I just stop to care. 

I guess its all about the old cliche, "hope is the last to die", and I've kept hoping he one day would change and want to take care of me. My hope that his word would be true.. he love me, I'm one of the most important and blablabla... just trying to ignore its just words, no substance, never shown....

Realizing I fell in love with a dream, with the person he is with and to other people, not the person he is with ME. And yes, I know how incredible stupid it is, of course should I've just seen the person he was toward me.... which means: Not being there for me for over two years, broken promises and words more often than he kept them, used me, just being with me to get things and so on... THIS is what I've should have seen.... but I just wanted to see the other part, the one he is with others.. when he´s passionate, going all in, attentive, being the man "no one will ever love them more" and "they will never find someone as good as him again", overwhelming them with gifts and romance, wanting to support them, pay for them, being there when they have problems... partners in love as well as friends...

so its not like he is not that person.. he have it all in him... he can be such an amazing, exciting, person... I will just never understand why I didn't deserve it.

I just want him to confess, stop lying and tell me... why didn't I deserve it? What did I do wrong?

And yes, I know its my fault I stayed... I should have left so long ago. Why didn't I? Why can I still not just let it go?

I don't know, maybe cause I did see all the greatness in him, knowing he can be whatever he want, and when I see it in a person I do want to help, maybe because he come across as a lost puppy and its hard not wanting to save it....but I guess mostly because I just wanted so badly his words would be true...

But now I know, have known for a while.... there is absolutely nothing left.

He don't care for me one bit.... and he must admit it to me AND to himself. He most realize this is a road he MUST abandon, for my sake. He doesn't want to give up, if he chose a way, he must stick to it..as he says...and once he maybe loved me for a second, so in his mind he still must do it..at least its a guess from my side...

But he doesn't, there is NO way a person treat someone he love this way, especially when its just me he treats like this, all others, gets the best of him..This last week made me realize he probably don't even like me as a person... he doesn't act like it at least. Felt like, except the first evening, the only reason he would spend time with me was when I helped him with something he needed to do, or had something he wanted to share with me.... 

I just cant keep going on like this.... I know it ends here and now. There is no discussion about it, I most love and respect myself that much (cause he doesn't).

I just don't know how to live the rest of my life without a person I love so much... I'm gonna do it, I just don't know how. To live with a constant pain....well, that is what I have to do from now on.....